The fossil record shows there have been at least 19,112 1/2 professional and semi-professional baseball teams in Salt Lake City, Utah since the Big Bang blasted the first home run across the universe and up the butthole of Sergei Putin, great-great-grandfather of Vladimir Putin. When grandfather Putin pooped the ball out after three days of nothing but raw cabbage, the ball shot eastward across the continent and destroyed a tiny playdoll church made of modeling clay in Reims, France. This is recognized as the first recorded baseball moment in history.
In 1496, Ute Indian explorers in Utah found a massive right forearm bone about 102.5 yards away from the current Kennecott Copper site (site of the employee breakroom to be exact). In 1512, pre-Mormon scientist G. Gregeorson Newhall stole the armbone from the Ute tribe and identified the armbone as having belonged to Morgiamnon, a giant half-Asian first baseman who lived among the Nephites about 200 years prior to the birth of Jesus. Most baseball historians place Morgiamnon (aka "Big Smelter") just below Musial and Gehrig on the all-time First Baseman list. Primitive baseball stat sheets kept in "Trapper Keepers" show he hit 201 doubles during the -199 BC season, a season marked by scandal when Morgiamnon was caught drinking human blood mixed with Tang in the dugout.
The year 1699 brought important change to baseball in Salt Lake. Instead of having only two bases spaced 400 yards apart, baseball visionary Fanny St. Clair (descendant of French explorer by same name) declared there would be four bases spaced 90 yards apart, shaped into a diamond shape. At that time, each base was formed by pushing a sharp stick (on both ends) into the ground. Runners were required to "pierce" the flesh of their body somewhere on the spear in order to be "safe" on the base. This was obviously dangerous. Fanny later declared each base should be "as flatte as the earth itself." Thus was born something approaching modern baseball, but without Bud Light.
1710 was not unimportant. Prior to this time, baseball hitters used only their arms to "hit" the ball. Paul Schmidt, a German trader who lived at night as a homeless man in Salt Lake City's Washington Square Park, began to fashion baseball bats from remnant copper piping he stole from commercial construction projects. Schmidt became master of the form and was said to be able to keep three small pebbles in constant motion, without hitting the ground, using one of his copper "bats." Schmidt was invited to play designated hitter for the Salt Lake Grocery Carts. He slashed .350/.425/.821 in 60 at bats with the Carts in 1710. When he expired that August of natural causes, many baseball men attended his funeral and learned the secrets of copper batmaking from Schmidt's girlfriend, Jenny. By 1720, copper bats had become wooden bats and were ubiquitous throughout professional and semi-professional baseball.
In 1812, another dramatic change occurred. Rev. Reg Seebus, a pitcher for the Salt Lake City Crickets, tied a piece of cloth around his head and also used a gambling visor to block out the sun. Thus was born the first modern-day baseball cap. This was in Salt Lake but word spread to other teams in the Midwest quickly via female gossip, a predecessor to texting.
Remarkably, from 1911-1914, a baseball team in Salt Lake played under the name Salt Lake Skyscrapers. Yes, Skyscrapers! The hubris! Oh my word! At this time, the tallest building in Salt Lake City, Utah was a 4-foot tall salt putty hut made by fourth graders for a school diorama project.
In 1915, a baseball team played in Salt Lake City, using the name Bees, a name no other person or entity has ever been interested in using for a sports team, for obvious reasons. Yes, it is true that Deseret is the place of bees, and that bees signify hard work, and industry, but come on, Bees is kind of stupid. It's like plural and singular at the same time. One bee is not very scary, let's be honest. Lots of bees could be scary, together, but it's hard to imagine them being unified together in purpose as a singular mascot. "Bees" as a team name is similar to "Drunk Germans," kind of scary but probably not singular in purpose.
The Bees played in and around Salt Lake City in at least 49 different iterations between 1915 and present. There was a Negro League team in Salt Lake City, called the Occidentals, around the years 1915-1920. Sometimes the team in Salt Lake was an affiliate of a major league team, sometimes it was affiliated with the Pioneer League, at other times the baseball team was nothing more than 9 people who happened to be pumping their Model Ts with gas at the same time. The 1948 Salt Lake Bees were ten LDS Relief Society women who happened to be working on a yellow bee quilt together.
By 1958, another Bees team solidified in Salt Lake like hardened grease, and stayed around until 1963. Meanwhile in USSR, innocent people were being tortured and sent to work camps in Siberia.
Remarkably, the 1963-1965 version of the Bees was affiliated with the Chicago Cubs, a perfect harmony suggested between the bear cub and the honey-producing bee. No doubt this was a fine time to watch baseball in Salt Lake, except for the time in the 63-65 window when the Kennedy Brothers attempted to invade Cuba for no apparent reason, and then blamed the disastrous results on "yes men" instead of taking the blame for being total assholes. Yes, JFK and RFK were assholes and no one wants to talk about it.
Now in 1970, it really gets interesting, for the team is once again the Bees, and I know you're sick of reading about the Cubs. Not even fans of the Cubs enjoy reading about the Cubs. By 1971, the year of the birth of Banana Republic clothing, the team is affiliated with the Angels. Note that the Salt Lake team never affiliates with a pro team who is remotely anywhere near being halfway-decent. In Utah tradition, the minor league team must suck royally, except for a couple of years when the Gulls/Trappers (below) are winning titles of no consequence.
Finally, finally, finally, from 1975 to 1981, the team changes its name to the Salt Lake Gulls, and we are finally within the reach of "modern history." The Gulls were an AAA affiliate of the California Angels, and played at Derks Field, the site where the current baseball team plays (1300 South State). The Salt Lake Gulls were pink and turquoise, or at least one of their jersey combos featured this daring and unusual combination that suggested the notion of future PRIDE parades in Salt Lake. Derks Field was basically a large softball park in my memory, something better than what you would find at Murray City Park for example, but not really anything that looked like a pro baseball field. When you used the toilets at Derks Field, the flushing mechanism would blast your refuse into the Jordan River, a tradition maintained to this day. Speaking of Murray, Wikipedia says that actor Bill Murray owned part of the Salt Lake Gulls and/or the Trappers. Check it out on the interweb, he was in Salt Lake City a lot in those years and had favorite restaurants and everything. Anyway, as a kid, I went to one Gulls game (probably for a Boy Scouts or church activity) and sat on the bleachers in the top row and it was like sitting at a high school football game more or less, small uncomfortable aluminum bleacher, saggy fence behind me that seemed like it might fall apart.
In 1985, the team was moved or sold to Calgary (remember, the Salt Lake hockey team around that same time was a Calgary Flames affiliate) and there was no baseball AAA affiliate for a time in Salt Lake City, and there was much mourning. During those next years 1985-1992 the Salt Lake Trappers played at Derks Field. This was a minor league baseball team with no professional affiliate. They had an impressive 29-game winning streak that shook this nation to its foundation. This was in independent Pioneer League team, not officially part of the MLB system. Don't ask me what the Pioneer League is or why it exists or anything. Not even the pioneers of old, those who came across the plains, know about the Pioneer League, and these were people trained to look for edible flowers, and still they, themselves pioneers, could locate no factual explanation for the Pioneer League.
Let's pause here to appreciate how awesome those team names were. The Salt Lake Gulls!!!!!!! My word, is that the greatest team name ever? There are hardly any teams that use the name Gulls (none that I know of), and we know the seagull is integral to the history of Salt Lake (see story about seagulls eating the crickets that were threatening pioneers' crops). When you are naming your professional sports team, you want the name to be: (1) relevant to the city/state; (2) unique. That's all you want. Gulls is perfect! Plus the colors were unique -- pink and turquoise -- sort of like Miami Dolphins. Wow!
What about Trappers? Also perfect! Relevant to Utah history, because there is a lot of Utah history that talks about mountainmen and trappers like Jim Bridger and so on. I've always wondered why we didn't have more teams out west named things like Trappers or Mountainmen.
Other than the Gulls and Trappers, team-naming in Utah has been mostly an embarrassment. It's seriously embarrassing to even think about how stupid some of the team names are. Like I have that feeling you have when you go poop and it makes a mess in your underwear and you need to get home and have a bath and burn your underwear and you are walking around and you just don't want anyone to notice you. That's how I feel when I think of Utah team names like Jazz (cool name but not relevant to our city life or cultural history here), Starzz (dumb to have the double ZZ, plus the name was stolen from the hockey team of same name), Grizzlies (dumb double ZZ), Catzz (dumb double ZZ), Stallions (Z sound again), Blaze (Z sound again). Stingers (Z sound again). Buzz (notice anything familiar in those names?).
Now Salt Lake City will be hosting an NHL franchise -- the team name is not finalized yet but it will probably be Yeti, which is clever except there's no such thing as a Yeti, there is no special tie between Utah and the Yeti, and it's obviously a classic Ryan Smith marketing ploy for kids. He should have named them the Underoos, you know, because kids. Another proposed team name Mammoth is good, because there is actual history in Utah tied to the dinosaur age, you know, fossils and such and actual mammoth fossils have been found in Utah. So if Ryan got the color scheme right, the Utah Mammoth could be a cool franchise idea with long woolen brown jerseys.
Good names for a pro team in Utah: Canyons, Mormons, Pioneers, Apostles, Saints, Trappers, Mountainmen, Elders, Crickets, Gulls, Beehives, Settlers, Boulders, Red Rock. Dumb names: Grizzlies, Catzz, Starzz, Blaze, Stallions, Yeti, Bees (Bees is a fine name because it ties to Utah culture and history, but it unfortunately ends in the "z" sound"), Stingers, Buzz.
Back to the story.
Anyway, we were the Gulls from 1975-1981, then we were the Trappers from 1985-1992. In approximately 1994, the Portland Beavers (yes, the Beavers!!) moved to Salt Lake, changed their name to the Buzz, and became the AAA affiliate of the Minnesota Twins. Buzz is a tragic name, sort of like being named the Popsicles or the Fairy Dumplings. Why oh why couldn't it remain the Beavers??? Snow Beavers? Mountain Beavers? Around this time, in the late 1990s, the field formerly known as Derks Field was updated and became FranklinCovey field (or similar), and has continued to evolve the past decades into Smith's Ballpark, what it is now, a large, nice modern-day minor league ballpark.
Then from approximately 2001-2005, the team name was changed to the Salt Lake Stingers, for unknown reasons, and the team affiliated as the AAA of the California Angels (or Los Angeles Angels at that time), rather than the Minnesota Twins. The Stingers ownership spent approximately one quarter of one dollar on team logo and uniform design, eventually settling on a paper BurgerKing bib as the team jersey.
In 2005 came another change. The team remained the AAA affiliate of the Angels, but changed it name to the Salt Lake Bees, which tied back to previous iterations of the team from many decades ago, which also bore the Bees moniker, as noted before. The Bees adopted primarily yellow and black color scheme, while the Stingers were red and white, and the Buzz were yellow, blue, and green. All three color schemes are among the worst color schemes since pus was mixed with bile and sputum in a hospital bin in Paris in 1881.
Around this time (2005)(when they became the modern version of the Bees), my understanding is that ownership of the field itself (the property) transferred from prior owner to the Miller family, and it was at this time that the price of tickets and concessions went up dramatically. Of course, the Miller family added the dumb idea of cheerleaders, blond girls standing around cheering for no reason. Naturally the Miller ownership group did a lot to improve the stadium and conditions and so forth, but it also became more formal and official and more expensive. Before, you could go for five dollars and sit anywhere or go for FREE and sit on the grass, now it's more like seventeen dollars just to get in the door. Update: the best tickets are now $35.00, only about $25.00 two years ago. The rich get richer.
Around the year 2000, my friend worked for the Buzz organization. He was a groundskeeper and attended all the home games and took care of the grass and dirt and stuff. It's actually a profession -- those who care for major league baseball parks. They have special training in lawn management and the dirt and everything. I don't know enough to do it justice, but there are all kinds of tricks and techniques to making the grass and dirt so flat and smooth and nice so that players don't slip and trip. The infield dirt isn't regular dirt for instance, it's different kinds of special dirt they use to make an infield.
My friend said that in fact, at that time (around 2000), the field was known to be pretty crappy, and a lot of major leaguers who were injured would go down to AA instead of coming to Salt Lake, because they were worried about getting injured in the field in Salt Lake because of holes in the grass or rocks in the dirt (if you slid into second a rock might tear up your leg). So even though the Miller family did some unfavorable things like add cheerleaders to the sidelines (does baseball need cheerleaders?) and spike the prices, they did improve the conditions of the field.
This friend and his family actually had access to the field one offseason and we played a casual game of baseball there. I had a single in one at bat as I recall. I hit the ball as hard as I could and it barely left in the infield. Throwing from third to first is hard! Baseball players are super talented -- we take them for granted because it looks like they are just standing there having fun, but it's a super technical sport that requires special gifts and practice.
In my life, "there's been heartache and pain," Let's try that again. In my life, I have been to 20 or 30 Bees or Buzz or Stingers games, or whatever the hell the team was named at the time. I couldn't really tell you anything about the games I've been to, who won or lost or what happened. Even though I love pro baseball, I don't have a rooting interest in the AAA team. I don't really care if they win or lose. One game I went to, a guy named Pride was playing leftfield and a ball was hit to him and he made a nice strong throw to home or third. I looked him up and he was a journeyman in the minors who was a great defender with some power but apparently lacked the discipline or something to stay very long in the pros. One time someone hit a grand slam, I want to say it was a guy on our team, but I'm not sure, and I don't remember if we won the game or tied it and then went on to lose or win. My wife and I went to a Bees game a few years ago and saw a guy being stretched out before the game. He had super flexible legs and he seemed like an energetic, funny guy. Later I learned it was Jo Adell, who has been in the majors for a few years. So he's the best baseball player I've ever seen in person at the Bees stadium.
I remember more the people I have attended the games with than the actual games. I remember more the feeling of being at the game than the game itself. My wife and daughter, who don't love baseball, love attending the games because it's a fun, casual, social atmosphere. When the weather is good, nothing beats it.
Supposedly guys like Mike Trout or Paul Molitor (Hall of Famers, or will be) played at some point in SLC but I didn't attend any of those games. For a time we were the affiliate not of the Angels but of the Twins, and guys like LaTroy Hawkins and one of the Molina brothers (not Yadier) came up through Salt Lake. Hawkins had a nice career in the majors as a closer. Otherwise, the history is not overly sparkled with jewels.
I went to a game this weekend with my daughter. The Bees lost miserably, it was 110 degrees, but was a nice atmosphere, casual, fun, not very serious. It is nice to park close by and not have to pay to park. It's nice to not wait in line for more than a few minutes for a Coke. We sat close behind home plate and tried to see any movement on the pitches but I'm blind as a bat and other than seeing if a ball was way off the plate or not, I couldn't really make anything out. It surprises me that people can watch those pitches and make all these conclusions about what the pitcher is trying to do. I can't make out a damn thing. If you are reading this article, you probably know already that nowadays they keep track of everything to do with each pitch, the speed, the spin, the angle, the placement, everything. Same with the hitters.
There's a lot going on there and again with the ball traveling close to 100 MPH it's amazing that so many people have the job of dissecting what is happening in a situation that is happening so fast I can barely even see the ball. I noticed a couple of scouts today who were timing the speed of all the pitches, writing everything down, taking video. I assume they work for the Angels or the Bees but they could be independent. It's a cool skill that is hard to understand -- the idea of watching someone throw it 100 MPH and being able to notice something other than that the ball is going fast.
All in all, I guess we are lucky to have baseball at all in Salt Lake. Larry Miller used to want a team and talked about bringing one to Salt Lake by the year 2020 or 2030. That was a dream of mine, to have a real pro team in Salt Lake and then get a share of season tickets and attend 5 or 10 home games per year and even though our team would suck forever with a payroll like the Pirates or the Royals, at least we could see the opposing teams come to town and get excited. Imagine seeing Aaron Judge or Ron Acuna in Salt Lake!
With Larry gone from this earth we are not likely to have pro baseball in Salt Lake during my lifetime, but like I said it's fun to have what we have, and although it's kind of expensive for what you get it's a nice option for a summer night.
Update: Gail Miller now says she wants to bring major league baseball to Salt Lake. The idea is to build a new ballpark out on North Temple area east of the SLC Airport. The Salt Lake Bees will be moved to Draper or South Jordan or West Jordan or some other suburb that is closer to kids and families. It makes sense to have the stadium closer to where people live, but kind of sad that it won't be downtown anymore and won't be accessible to the people who have supported the local team for 40-50 years. Jazz and new NHL team owner Ryan Smith wants to keep the hockey team downtown somehow, presumably by letting the team use the Delta Center for a few years, with a new hockey stadium funded by taxpayer dollars somewhere near Abravanel Hall. I love how things are paid for by the public but the gains are directed to one person (Ryan Smith).
It's hard to imagine having three pro sports teams from the big four men's sports in Salt Lake, hockey, baseball, and basketball. It will be like getting kicked in the nuts every single day. Either the hockey team will lose, or the baseball team, or the basketball team. The best sports team ever affiliated with Utah is of course the UU Women's Gymnastics Team, or Red Rocks. They have won numerous NCAA titles and are competitive every year. If it were up to me, I would have them play in the Delta Center and have them be Utah's official team, and the Jazz could play in a halfcourt gym up on the UU campus until such time as they prove they are worthy to be considered a professional basketball team.
Of course, Salt Lake also has a men's pro soccer team, but don't get me started. When they started the team and stole the colors from Barcelona and Real Madrid and stuffed them together into one jersey combination (white and black stolen from Madrid, and the blue/yellow/red stolen from Barcelona), and then also stole the name Real from the Madrid team, it really made me sick. Those games are fun, kids love them, and they are affordable, but it's not a legitimate sport in Utah yet. These are not the best players in the world, all of whom are in Brazil, Argentina, France, Germany, Spain, Portugal, England, etc. None of the best footballers in the world play in MLS, except for a handful who are in the MLS as a retirement strategy (Messi, Beckham). I'm not sure why it makes sense to call MLS professional soccer when we have very few top world players. Imagine a tackle football team in China calling itself a professional football team and comparing itself to the Chiefs or Packers. What a joke. College football is played at a much higher level, relatively speaking, than American domestic soccer.
Anyway, enjoy the Bees downtown for another year until they move to North Jordan for all the kids. Hopefully we will have a pro team within ten years, and you can buy a quarter-pack season tickets and watch them play the good visiting teams. I guarantee you the payroll will not be competitive with the top teams. Dodgers, Yankees, etc. regularly spend $200 million or more per year. The Mets are spending $300 million this year! Utah can probably handle salaries of only $50 million total. This is not going to be a strong baseball team. We will routinely be in the bottom of the standings. You know it, I know it, she knows it. But people in Utah love to bang their heads against the wall and pretend like things are different than they are, so people will still go and spend their loot. "People will come, Ray."
Anyway, go Bees, err I mean go Buzz, oops go Stingerzz.
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If you like this post, you might want to read this YA dystopian novella by the same author
