As a way to upstage the Paris Olympics Games, Jeff Bezos and Amazon have announced their intention to purchase Notre-Dame Cathedral from the French government. Indeed, in a recent interview held just three minutes ago, the former Amazon CEO has announced a plan to "convert Notre-Dame into a one-level, stucco-facade shopping district." Bezos admitted he was insulted when French billionaires Arnault and Pinault pledged more than $300 million dollars, combined, to restore the treasure of Catholicism to its former glory, without consulting him. "You don't do stuff with, or about money, or even rhyming with money, or even talking about pretend money, or even counting anything, without consulting me," he stated on Twitter in a series of emphatic Tweets, each of which bore his signature exclamation point!
"We will combine the best of the American strip mall with the glory of ancient Europe!" said Bezos in a carefully crafted Tweet, which he later attributed to an imp who works in Bezos' personal service as a media consultant and part-time left-handed blackberry jam steward.
Bezos' initial vision was to convert the interior of the glorious cathedral into something like a Whole Foods, but then an emboldened Bezos announced his intention to completely replace the obsolete church.
"My vision will occur in two stages. First, we've got to get rid of the old mess." Step one of Bezos' proposal, still pending final approval before the Vatican, is to convert the ruined cathedrale into "Notre D'Amazon," in which the entirety of the medieval structure will be disassembled piece by piece and sold on Amazon.com. "You'll be able to buy votives, stones, burnt lumber, everything." Bezos explained that the more elemental components of the structure, such as unrecognizable pieces of stone and wood, will likely fetch in the $5K to $10K range, per item.
Bezos' girlfriend Lauren Sanchez has been placed in charge of Sa Lingerie, a JCP-co-branded intimates wear line of which the cash register will be in the exact spot of the famous altar which was blessed into being on May 19, 1182. "We're going to call them Holy Relics," Sanchez said, describing a line of char-black thongs which will be sold with an imprint of the papal crest. "Each set of intimates will be manufactured in Taiwan for quality control but then will be hand-drawn through the charred remains, creating a two-tone chalky effect," added Sanchez. A simple thong is expected to sell for 1130 Euro.
"However," Mr. Bezos added, excitedly (the source of his excitement, whether his girlfriend's reference to thongs, or the restoration of the holy cathedral, remains unknown), "when we get to the gargoyles and statues is where it gets really interesting." Bezos postulated that a couple of the more prominent gargoyles: those commonly featured in digital photographs from atop Notre Dame's bell tower, could command $200M to $500M, a piece, or upwards of $2B for the pair. "Just two gargoyles will put us ahead of Arnault and Pinault," Bezos sneered. The billionaire said that Amazon was also considering limited photo ops with the gargoyles before the sales, with stars like Jay-Z, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Matt LeBlanc (of Friends!), positioned to pay upwards of $1M each for photos of their children with the gargoyles dressed up in gingham flannels. Amazon is reportedly also considering a deal with Disney to re-release its famous "Hunchback of Notre-Dame" animated film to drive up the value of the gargoyles, although the deal hinges around Jason Alexander's willingness to reduce his royalty rights, which is said to be unlikely given his current state of addiction to high-end soaps and salves.
Asked if there were complications with shipping any of the larger items like pillars or flying buttresses, Bezos said his former company was in negotiations with French giant LaPoste, which seemed promising. Bezos did admit to some challenges, however. "The three rose windows, we hope to sell intact, but if LaPoste doesn't figure out a fair two-day shipping rate, we may have to sell those piecemeal." The bald billionaire said the same fate may be true of the Grand Organ and the large bell itself, but that he was "pretty sure" the Crown of Thorns would fit into a traditional 8.5 x 11 bubble mailer.
"Is there anything you want to keep for yourself?" I asked. "I have a soft spot for the tympanum of the Portal of the Last Judgment," he admitted sheepishly. "It sort of reminds me of some of the dynamics in our old Amazon board meetings." Bezos said he would either place this jewel of antiquity and human achievement in his man cave next to his Washington Capitals gear or would keep it in a secure storage facility in Tacoma, Washington. "It will probably only go up in value," he guessed, "but if not, I'm happy with it anyway."
Phase 2 of Bezos' vision is to take the earnings from sales of the holy relics and use them to purchase the goodwill of the French people. "Each registered Roman Catholic in all of France will receive one share of Amazon stock." "Not preferred," he added. "They will take a while to get distributed, we have to check circumcisions close-up and we'll review baptismal records and that sort of thing, too ... we want to do this the right way."
With French citizens receiving value in Amazon stock, the property underneath the charred remnants of Notre-Dame will be transferred to Amazon's private ownership. "We recognize this as a unique opportunity," said Tabs Goler, VP of Brand Strategy at Amazon, who wears both pocket watch and monocle, and was formerly "Steward of Steampunk Tendencies" for Amazon, before his recent promotion. "You have millions of people visiting this site year in and year out, with nothing to buy but candles and trinkets. We want to push the revenue curve upwards like the sun rising over the majestic Seine."
After abandoning the idea of Notre Whole Foods, Goler and Bezos wanted to do a high-rise commercial space atop Point Zero, in Paris, "as a tribute to the world's most glorious city and home of the ancient Parisi." However, zoning regulations on the island prohibit buildings taller than six stories. "We muddled it over for a while," explained Goler, "and then in an epiphany it came to us that we could do a traditional strip mall here."
Bezos, who admitted his plan will certainly draw criticism from "religious nutcases," demonstrated his sincere commitment to what he called "his own purified memory of visiting Notre-Dame as a child," by wearing Italian-made papal robes during the entirety of the media interview process. "These are from Milan," he said, rubbing his pretty fingers along a vest sewn of 16-k gold blended with Idaho rabbit cashmere.
Bezos, normally a pagan pleasure-seeker, was reluctant to attribute the epiphany of the strip-mall idea to the holiness of the space under consideration, but didn't rule it out. "I've never done a Petco before, so yeah, I do think there is something heavenly interfering with my normal brain processes."
Goler showed me an initial layout for the strip mall, to be entitled "The Commons at the Seine." The site will be anchored by a Petco and a Dollar Tree, with multiple frozen yogurteries, two credit unions, a discount tire store, and a Claire's. "We don't want to go too big at first," added Bezos. "We'll need plenty of parking. We want Americans to recognize this as an American project, for sure."
The two titans of American tech, Amazon and Bezos, are negotiating with the French government to have the Metro stop right at or near Point Zero. "You will exit the Metro where Napoleon's horse crapped a magic dump in the shape of the Fourth Arrondissement during the Emperor's coronation. We think that will add some real texture to the place."
With multiple related proposals still pending before the French government and the Vatican, there is still some uncertainty in the plan. What's clear, however, is that with Bezos at the helm, the ancient site will be brought into the modern world kicking and screaming, and not a moment too soon.
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