In 1859, Dickens asserted that the era in which he lived was, in all material respects, the same as every other era that had passed since Adam's day. Dickens' view regarding the relative homogeneity of the human experience is as true today as it was in 1859, with two important exceptions. First, modern-day living with all its complexities and interdependencies provides even more opportunity for legal offense and injury than did the Industrial Revolution, when the inherent dangers of railways and factory life ushered in the glorious age of the plaintiff’s lawyer. As a result, the judicial system today is more crowded with cases than a University professor’s wardrobe is with cardigan sweaters. The second exception is that since Dickens’ time, thanks to the not unselfish efforts of greeting card manufacturers, the number of holidays and other special events requiring the exchange of greeting cards has increased a trillion fold. Indeed, hardly a day goes by without feeling morally obligated to formally acknowledge a trumped up holiday such as NCAA Recruiting Violation Day or Dogcatcher Awareness Month or Cardinal Richelieu’s Birthday.
The obvious capitalistic opportunity presented by the proliferation of lawsuits and holidays would be for greeting card companies to develop a line of legally-oriented greeting cards, you know, greeting cards that can manage and minimize risk, and put their users on notice of their limited rights. Unfortunately, these greeting card companies like Hallmark have been so busy pushing Neighborhood Burglar Day and Baldness Sensitivity Day that they have missed the forest on account of the trees.
However, at least one Utah attorney, a former limerick writer for Hallmark and the author of this article no less, has recently developed a niche in her practice known as “greeting card representation.” Based on a thorough analysis of relevant federal and state law, she offers clients a veritable library of greeting cards that strike the appropriate balance between the need for aggressive client representation on the one hand and the desire to avoid the wrath of state and federal greeting card enforcement agencies on the other. Moreover, because of the author's unique background, the cards not only serve a legal purpose but convey a genuine sense of warmth and wit. As a service to the reader and in hopes of extending her client base, therefore, the author provides the following sample of greeting cards, free of charge.
W.H. Roberts & Co. wishes to express our deepest sympathies to your family at this time of great loss, without admitting liability for the humidor explosion that destroyed your father and his stock of Cuban cigars.
The University of Nantucket invites you and your guest to our annual Christmas Social, while clarifying that the University has not taken an official position on the existence of the Christ child, but simply refers to the traditional name of the holiday for the sake of convenience.
Happy 80th Birthday Mother! With the end drawing nigh, I hope you will consider revoking your and father’s marital bypass trust so that the other siblings and I do not have to twiddle our thumbs waiting for father to die.
St. Anne’s Memorial Hospital is pleased to announced the ribbon cutting ceremony for its new hospice wing, and gently reminds you that death is natural and not necessarily due to medical malpractice.
Happy Halloween to Our Little Ghosts and Goblins! Please note that we are merely passive distributors of any candy passed along to you, and should the candy harm you, your sole remedy lies against the manufacturer of said candy.
Chase & Sons Booksellers commends you on twenty years of dedicated service, without implying that your employment will continue for another twenty years, or even another year.
Get Well Soon! If not, it is no great matter. Another month hence and I will have satisfied the seven-year adverse possession period on your property in Martha’s Vineyard.
First National Investment Bank wishes you and yours a Happy New Year, but in no way guarantees that the coming year will in fact be happy with respect to your financial situation.
The Water Conservancy District of Santa Domingo informs you that your culinary water will be dyed green in observance of St. Patrick’s Day and also brings to your attention a recent court case which concluded that most diseases that exist in the water supply originate upstream from the pelican hatcheries.
Governor DuPuis (R-WA) encourages her voters to spend this President’s Day in a dignified manner befitting of this nation’s highest office, and warns any voters who do not comply with this injunction that the loitering statutes of this state are worded broadly enough to support nearly any police arrest.
For My Dear Husband on Valentine’s Day. In light of our recent argument regarding the proper placement of doilies at formal dinners, I have changed the beneficiary designation on my life insurance policy.
Maelstrom & Hemingway, LLC is excited to announce that the office will be closed for Labor Day, while reminding you that we can and still do discriminate based on weight, smell, and other classes that have not yet been recognized as protected.
Congratulations Daughter—It’s Your First Wedding Anniversary! This will serve as the notice required by state law that your father and I are filing a replevin action against you to recover the chaise-lounge you took from the summer home.
The J.R. Dodger Asbestos Packing Company prays that this Easter you will find it in your heart to forgive and forget our having misrepresented to OSHA the number of fibers per cubic centimeter to which you were exposed during your employment with the Company.
Geraldine’s Bleu Café hopes you will spend your Bastille Day sampling one of our baguette sandwiches and informs you that the Good Samaritan laws of Louisiana do not create an affirmative duty to come to the aid of one who is choking on his lunch.
These are just fifteen samples extracted from a library of some 25,000 prefabricated cards; or for a slightly increased fee, the author can custom tailor a card for your unique legal issue and/or tenuous holiday. Please note this article is not a substitute for professional legal advice, and the author hereby disclaims any warranty, implied or express, that may attach hereto.