[Author's note. I used to like pro baseball and pro basketball. No longer. These are not legitimate sports. I am never watching them again. I am 53 years old and have been watching these sports since age 8. I am done. The NBA has wasted my time, for 45 years now. Complete waste. Thanks a lot. The future of baseball is sad. Baseball has wasted for life for 35 years now -- I started baseball at 18. The future of basketball is well, non-existent. These sports do not exist, for me, any longer.
MLB and NBA are fake sports in which statistics, artificial intelligence, highlights, and the talk away from the field, have become more important than the actual game itself. No one watches NBA games during the regular season. No one. There are no stakes. The games don't matter. The players are constantly injured. The players are babies. The refs dictate the outcome in about 5 to 10% of games, statistically. Not intentionally, I'm not saying that, just based on how free throws are awarded. The teams and coaches are more focused on player transactions, what might happen during the offseason, than in the actual games. Listen to people talk about basketball, it's not beautiful, it's not good speech, it's not good writing,. it's all about 3-point percentage, and some moment of some guy's balls up in some other guy's grill. There are more articles about the jerseys and court designs than about the play. In baseball, the statistics are often distracting and meaningless. "Did you know that's the third time this year Jackson hit a left-handed home run while wearing the wrong baseball hat?" No one watches regular season baseball. No one. Yes, NYY v LAD did well financially. How is baseball going to survive when the next WS is Diamondbacks-Tigers after another lackluster regular season?
I listen to sports podcasts constantly. I read sports commentary constantly, online, in the newspaper, in magazines. I love reading about sports. No one talks about or writes about NBA court play, in a way that is interesting or new, or generating new curiosity. They talk about player salaries and potential transactions. This team will be better when player 12 is swapped for player 13. This team will be better when $16M contract can be offloaded for two $8M contracts. That's not compelling. That's not interesting. Imagine you are watching a tiger hunt a deer and the pundits were saying, "You know, there are more than 18,000 varieties of deer." No, that's garbage. If the actual sport is compelling, you don't need the noise. You don't need it! It should be enough that Judge is at the plate in a close game -- I don't need to know his 8th grade Algebra scores. That's not what I watch. Or back to NBA, a larger % of regular season games are won or lost on 3-point percentage, not based on rebounds, fouls, hard work, sweat, and so on. At least that's how it seems to me. I don't want to watch four guys standing around the three-point arc waiting for their shot. I want to see Ostertag get slapped around and fall down, I don't want to watch him 49 feet away launching a 3! It's not interesting to watch, it's not interesting to talk about.
In baseball, every hitter either homers or walks or strikes out. That's no good. They changed the rules 2 or 3 years ago, but still no one doubles or triples. There's no build-up from basehitting and defense. A guy slaps it to Mars or he misses it by a large pizza. It feels the way I feel when I watch a video game, that another person played four years ago and recorded and now I've decided for some stupid reason to watch this recording. Why?
Both of these sports (MLB and NBA) exist within economic bubbles wherein the TV rights still have value because the game play can be cut up into memes and videos and clips. These are derivatives, similarly to why we had the housing crisis in 2009 -- mortgages chopped up into little tranches, derivatives, derivatives packaged and sub-packaged into further layers of crap like the worst bologna served anywhere in this universe. If the underlying thing has no value, the derivative cannot have value. Some day we will all realize that a derivative of zero has to be zero. That might take five or ten years, but it will happen. NBA is a bubble. MLB is a bubble.
Don't worry, I still like NFL, NHL, and professional European soccer. These sports have elements of uncertainty, unpredictability, and even violence that make it impossible to simulate the games although pro soccer is increasingly under threat from the high pressing tactics that lead to quick goals from mistakes and diminish the overall enjoyment of the games. The beautiful idea of soccer is eleven men on the same page, passing, build-up, looking for an opening, not a GK screwing up on a short pass and a winger making an easy goal on an open net. That's not fun to watch.
Another great sport is the big cycling races, the 21-day tourneys or the 5-day tourneys. When you watch those, you know what you see, you see guys riding their bikes for 6 hours in a row, sweating, striving. They crash a lot, some get hurt, some die. They come back and do it again the next day. And after they win and get interviewed, they talk about how it's all about the suffering and how all the guys are suffering and sometimes when you suffer you get a little prize and sometimes you don't, but you suffer again all the same. And they have tremendous balance and dexterity and vision and speed and strength and a high tolerance for pain. And the people who announce the sports, they talk about the riders and the bikes and how the riders ride the fuckin' bikes, and how the fuckin' wheels are pedaled by the strength of the biker, and what they eat and how they train, and how they work together and practice, and how one thing can lead to another and so on, and it's beautiful.
What follows is a short story I wrote a while back, highlighting the problem with MLB and why I will never watch it again. Perhaps some day I will do something similar for NBA.]
September 7, 2043
A Major League Baseball game between the Milwaukee Brewers and the Los Angeles Dodgers reaches 17 innings, the scored tied 15-15. Reginald Mewsberry, manager of the Dodgers, and Ken Shavemore, manager of the Brewers, are concerned that further play may cause injuries to exhausted bullpens. Mewsberry and Shavemore agree that the outcome of the game will be decided by computer simulation. They enter player data, park factors, and game situation into a computer software program entitled FAKEBASE. FAKEBASE gives the win to the Brewers on a solo home run by first baseman Mike Jewels in the bottom of the 19th inning. The home crowd celebrates wildly when the win is announced over the public broadcasting system. Jewels, in real-life, is carried out of the clubhouse and onto the field where a whip cream pie is thrown into his face on live national television. When asked about the game-winning, simulated at-bat, Jewels says, “I guess my computer counterpart saw a pitch he could hit. As for me, I credit the Man upstairs.”
April 4, 2044
The first full-length, televised, computer-simulated Major League Baseball game is played between the New York Yankees and the Toronto Blue Jays. The Yankees prevail, 4-2, in regular innings. Josef Martinez, New York’s designated hitter, is the game’s hero with a simulated 2-run homer over the right-field wall in the 3rd inning. 25,927 simulated fans are in attendance at Yankee stadium. 3,442,197 humans watch the simulation on Fox television. The value of Martinez’s 2039 Topps Gold Foil 1/1 auto rookie tri-fold card skyrockets to $43,455.
June 20, 2045
In the first at-bat of a simulated, televised baseball game between the Chicago White Sox and the Detroit Tigers, White Sox third baseman Alexander Alacantra, a lefthanded hitter, homers to deep right field. A box-within-a-box on the television screen shows a simulation of what the 2-run blast would look like in an environment with no gravity.
July 30, 2046
A computer-simulated, televised baseball game between the St. Louis Cardinals and the Arizona Diamondbacks is canceled due to simulated rain.
August 3, 2046
Fox television sues MLB for damages related to lost advertising revenue for MLB’s canceling the simulated July 30, 2046 game between the St. Louis Cardinals and Arizona Diamondbacks on account of simulated rain.
September 29, 2047
In the third at-bat of a simulated, televised baseball game between the Chicago White Sox and the Minnesota Twins, White Sox third baseman Alexander Alacantra homers to deep right field. A box-within-a-box on the television screen shows the number of activated nerve endings in Alacantra’s scrotal area as he swings through the ball.
March 12, 2049
After a twelve-day bench trial, Judge Ninka Whitmore rules in favor of MLB regarding the July 30, 2046 rained-out simulation between the St. Louis Cardinals and Arizona Diamondbacks. Judge Whitmore’s ruling relies on the federal Accurate Simulations statute of 2040. The per share stock price of FAKEBASE soars to $1,421.
April 28, 2049
In the fourth inning of a simulated, televised baseball game between the Chicago White Sox and the Texas Rangers, White Sox third baseman Alexander Alacantra homers to deep right field. A box-within-a-box on the television screen shows the exact number of days, minutes, and seconds remaining in Alacantra’s life.
2050
During the 2050 simulated MLB season, fifty-three televised simulated MLB baseball games are canceled or shortened on account of simulated rain.
November 18, 2050
Fox television threatens not to renew its broadcasting contract with MLB because of lost advertising revenue from the increased number of games shortened or canceled due to simulated-weather-related conditions.
January 11, 2051
MLB announces that all simulated MLB stadiums have had simulated, fully-retractable roofs installed, marking the first day in history when some simulated stadiums differ from their real-life models. The next day, Fox and MLB complete a $40 billion, 10-year contract granting Fox the exclusive right to air simulated MLB games.
April 4, 2051
The Cincinnati Reds of simulated MLB announce that their simulated outfield wall stands at 200 feet in left field, 215 feet in center, and 180 feet in right field. The simulated Miami Marlins, with a roster full of quick-handed middle infielders, announce that their simulated team plays on an asphalt-T-Ball-sized field for all home games.
April 15, 2051
An early season televised matchup between the defending champions of simulated baseball, the Minnesota Twins, and the rebuilding Yankees of New York, is interrupted by a simulated act of domestic terrorism when a simulated band of white nationalists navigate a fishing vessel full of cyanide up the East river and blow it up just offshore of Throgs Neck.
May 11, 2051
A televised, simulated baseball game between the Atlanta Braves and Philadelphia Phillies lasts thirty-five innings, with Atlanta winning 1-0 on four-straight walks by the relief pitcher, Philadelphia third baseman Charles Meyer. It is the longest recorded MLB game in history, simulated or otherwise.
June 20, 2053
Raymore Sanchez, a 240-pound left-handed batting cage dynamo from the Dominican Republic, is the first baseball player to sign a contract with a professional simulated MLB team but not with a real-life AAAA MLB professional team. Sanchez, who homers routinely during batting practice, batted splits of only .100/.200/.300 in A and AA baseball over a four-year stint. He wins player of the month honors in the month of July in the simulated 2053 season, even as he loses the ability to play real-life baseball when his left hand is mangled in a home juice press.
September 1, 2076
Attendance at real-life baseball games dwindles to fewer than 500 fans per game. Televised, simulated MLB games enjoy a viewership of an average of 20 million viewers.
February 28, 2077
MLB announces that all real-life baseball will be canceled, and that it will focus 100% of its efforts on simulated baseball.
March 6, 2090
INERCHANGE acquires FAKEBASE for $400 trillion Yuan.
June 1, 2098
Facing a decline in viewership, MLB announces that for each televised broadcast of a simulated baseball game, it will run one million computer simulations in advance and only air the simulation with the largest number of runs scored between the two teams combined.
June 2, 2098
During a televised broadcast of a simulated MLB game, the Cleveland Indians defeat the Baltimore Orioles by a score of 83-19. The Orioles strand 27 baserunners.
April 1, 2113
Facing again a decline in viewership, MLB announces that instead of broadcasting actual simulated baseball games, it will run 100 trillion computer simulations of each daily matchup, following which, statistical analysts, during television airtime, will reveal the most interesting trends from the quadrillions of simulated matchups performed earlier in the day.
April 2, 2113
Simulated baseball analyst Erin Gravemore announces that one of the 100 trillion simulated matchups between the Atlanta Braves and New York Mets yielded a score of 500 to 6. It is the largest discrepancy in a baseball game in recorded history, simulated or otherwise. Gravemore also announces that of the 100 trillion simulations between the Colorado Rockies and the Pittsburgh Pirates performed that day, 700,216 games were still tied 0-0 in the 18th inning.
April 3, 2113
Erin Gravemore, on MLB television, announces that in a simulated game, conducted earlier that same day, between the Boston Red Sox and the Texas Rangers, that Jacob Lorrington, a simulated fan seated behind third base, choked to death when a giant pickle he was eating was struck by a foul ball and lodged deep into his lungs.
August 19, 2118
Erin Gravemore announces on live television that for the first time in simulated baseball history, all 54 of the outs in a simulated game (between the Cincinnati Reds and the expansion Portland Wet Beavers) were created by pop-ups to the catcher.
May 12, 2125
MLB announces that its computers have the capacity to simulate one quinvigintillion (1 x 10 to the 78th power) games per second. Beginning at exactly noon, May 12, 2125, the quantum server network INERCHANGE, using approximately one-third of the electrical power in mainland China, conducts one quinvigintillion simulated interleague matches between the Oakland Athletics and the San Francisco Giants. INERCHANGE predicts that one of those simulated games will last one-billionth of a second less than infinity. Fox decides not to televise this game.
July 4, 2150
Fox television accepts a substantial sum of money from Christians for War to sponsor the Independence Day MLB simulations. In a simulated game between the New York Yankees and the Kansas City Royals, Yankees catcher Yogi Berra is resurrected from the dead, bunt singles on a low fastball, reaches second on an error, takes third on a passed ball, and scores when simulated Royals pitcher Turek Tamm, a known pacifist, drops the baseball on the mound during an unexplained neurological incident. A simulated U.S. Air Force fighter plane flyover salutes Berra for his achievement, followed by a simulated barnstormer plane spelling the word “Berries,” a misspelling of Berra, in smoke in the dimming simulated summer sky.
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