[collected, modified, and updated based on articles in October 26, 1998 Utah Law Forum and November 9, 1998 Utah Law Forum]
In September of 2016, the University of Utah celebrated the opening of a new law school education building, dedicated to certain principles including the right of a student to microwave a burrito without the scent of that burrito mixing with bathroom smells accidentally connected through ceiling ventilation and the right of a male student to urinate close to another male student without seeing or being seen in the sense of seeing another's private part or having that person's own part (self) be seen by another, engaged in urination. The new building was described by many as being extremely red and green and university-ish, or in the words of Deseret Tribune style writer Gerald Smallpox, "similar to Orchard Elementary School near Center Street in North Salt Lake City, Utah, but with thick green aquarium glass and elevated six levels in tribute to its former dean HIram Chodosh." Indeed, a painting of former Dean Hiram Chodosh (he who first envisioned the law students and faculty gathered in a new, larger space) the size of Mao Zedong portrait haunts the interior of this new building, complete with warm interior accents such as "100% Plastic DIY Aisle Clean-Up Bins," unused law books, metal chairs for studying, metal study desks, metal interview desks, and metal garbage bins, and also cement whisper-quiet, whisper on-off, eco-sinks with triangular appeal and insufficient water pressure in a post-COVID hand-washing era. Whisper-quiet hand-washing was important to Dean Chodosh. Whisper-quiet door openings and shuttings. Even the blessed elevator is oiled and smooth. Perhaps Dean Chodosh was himself quiet? No.
The move of law books and essays from the miniature and decrepit old law building, said to be the size of an empty Nike shoe box, which has somehow now been converted into a symphony hall, campus diner, interactive play museum for future NASA personnel, and faculty offices for twenty percent of University faculty, was not easy, and required "many sturdy backs," to quote from a person living across University Street who witnessed the move. "It seems like what they did, and I'm not an expert, was put the stuff in boxes and then carry across the little parking ramp area into the new building." The University denies ownership of any dollies or two-wheelers. However, an investigative journalist associated with this outfit located 1200 abandoned grocery carts in downtown Salt Lake City, Utah. Perhaps these had once been used in the Great Move? Or were these remnants from an earlier, greater move, from Nauvoo towards the Lake of Great Salt?
In any event, at the conclusion of the preliminary move, experts from the University of Utah's extensive library system were called in to examine the basement of the old law school, and to certify if all law books and essays had successfully transitioned to the new building. This was done with dignity and formality.
Several titles were located by the consultants, hidden in small student offices in the old building, often stuck to grilled cheese or gum, or buried under piles of leftover copies of The Muted Trumpet, a once-important student-run law newsletter at the old location. Not as much semen as expected was located during this search.
The Top 10 or 11 of these rescued titles follow now.
TOP 10 OR 11 LAW BOOKS OR ESSAYS FOUND DURING MOVE FROM WHOLLY INADEQUATE OLD LAW SCHOOL BUILDING (THAT NOW HOUSES LIKE TWELVE COLLEGES) TO NEW FANCY HIRAM CHODOSH TRIBUTE LAW SCHOOL BUILDING
SOCIAL CRITIQUES
"behind the vending machines"
"the Gibson: a microcosm of community"
"a proposal for turning the faculty lounge into a second student lounge"
"traces of troglodytes: early inhabitants of the law school basement"
"where to 'hide' the 'ball'" (initially attributed to one Tom Lund)
"MLC coffee and monopolies"
MYSTERY/HORROR
"law school refrigerator DNA"
"microwave ductwork"
"Einar Nielsen after dark"
EROTICA
"awkward dirty 1L"
"one-half hour with my t.a."
"the longest Terry stop"
"the tiny bathroom divider"
AUTOBIOGRAPHY
"Dubitsky: me, myself, and i"
HOW TO
"how to go from hippie to big-firm lawyer in iii easy steps"
"how to fashion a secure, fireproof carrel from balsa"
CLASSICS
"cat on a Kogan's hot electric lectern"
"the fantome du Gibson"
"the marriage of Dubitsky"
"a tale of two deans"
"with pride, with prejudice: the Traynor Moot Court Competition" [complete recordings on 8-track]
SELF-HELP
"i love you, now please be quiet, and other hurtful things law librarians say"
"coping with a non-lawyer spouse or child"
"communicating with your copy center attendant, a give and take"
"overcoming masochistic outlining practices."
FEMINIST
"behind enemy lines: men in the WLC"
COFFEE TABLE
"mornings in the Sutherland"
"view from 107"
"room 212 nudes"
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