Movie review Top Gun: Maverick, Tom Cruise Saves All Mankind
Question: Did Top Gun: Maverick live up to its hype?
Answer: Yes. Top Gun: Maverick is the best film of all time, the best artistic creation of all time, and the best expression of humanity of all time. It should be stored in the Vatican.
Question: Is Tom Cruise still handsome?
Answer: I would drink gasoline to be within 500 miles of his presence.
Question: Who is the greatest human? Tom Brady or Tom Cruise?
Answer: His name is Tom.
Question: At how many levels does this film function?
Answer: This film operates on at least ten levels. I will only write of four or five of these levels and leave it to each of you to identify the others. I cannot give you everything!
(1) In the film itself, people wonder if Maverick is washed up, if he's too doggone old, too set in his ways, to save America again. Can an old dog teach himself new tricks in order to save all mankind? We find Maverick away from the Top Gun academy, functioning as a test pilot on Viagra. He doesn't appear to have any central tie to the military structure anymore -- a pilot hired by third-party vendors more or less. He flies for FedEx, ever since the flight went down that sent Tom Hanks to an island for four years. We find Maverick trying to fly a plane at Mach 9 or Mach 19 or whatever it is. It seems like if just keeps going faster, he can go Mach 100. I'm surprised the director didn't just put a gas pedal in his airplane. Could Stravinsky have played a piano at Mach 10? Yes, if he just kept playing faster and faster like Tom Cruise running. Can you make tunafish sandwiches at Mach 10? Yes, if you just try hard enough and put your mind to it like Tom Cruise. Is Maverick too much of a maverick to save America? Hell no. He still has it! He still can save America! He is the only one who can lead the mission to blow up the uranium or the plutonium or the Death Star or whatever it is. (Query: did Top Gun: Maverick violate the Star Wars copyright with the uranium mission being so similar to Luke Skywalker's mission in Part IV?).
(2) In the film itself, we are presented with a powerful question rarely addressed in film or literature -- is Maverick too old for love? Did he drive his motorcycle so fast that he, literally, bypassed love? Like love was at Mach 3 but he went Mach 10 so he passed love by at least seven times Mach? (How many Mach does the motorcycle go? Maybe Mach 2 or Mach 4 or something? If you are Yamaha or Honda, how do you not have a motorcycle called the Top Gun:Maverick Mach 10 motorcycle?). Or can he go back in time in his plane to Mach 3 to find that love that he somehow bypassed? Is he too reckless and neglectful of women? Did he miss his one chance when he spent four hours on a hot summer day licking the tongue of Belinda Carlisle? I mean Kelly McGillis? Or can he still learn a thing or two about being stable, about being there for a woman and her daughter? Answer: he is not too old for love! He can travel backwards through retrograde degrees of Mach to find that love that he eluded due to excessive Mach. Hurray! We leave the film seeing that Maverick will end up with a powerful and strong marriage, and will have a step-daughter to raise as well. No doubt he will continue to mature spiritually in the coming years and will be able to at some point become a benevolent barnstormer. In Top Gun III, will we see Tom Cruise take up the role of the Jesus-barnstormer in Richard Bach's Illusions where he ascends above all humanity as a sort of non-Christian Christ?
(3) Can Tom Cruise save Hollywood from the streaming wars? We know that Netflix, Amazon Prime, HBOMax, Peacock, Starzz, Paramount, Hulu, Apple TV, and the other 400,000 streaming services have put immense pressure on traditional Hollywood moviemaking (as well as immense pressure on America's bowels from all that horrible content!). No one wants to go to the movies anymore when they can watch at home. Especially with giant pickles available at the grocery store now. Studios spend less money on making movies since the attention span of the human is similar to the attention span of the gnat and even the best movies have a theater run of only 2 or 3 seconds. Movies at the theater are either niche products aimed at certain demographics or designed to cater to the lowest common denominator (Marvel). Can a new blockbuster movie, released in May of 2022, show a pathway for Hollywood to still make blockbusters outside of the Marvel formula? Can a movie star with charisma still make a difference in this world? Yes, yes, yes!!!!!! Tom Cruise can save Hollywood, and did in fact save it with his film. He put people in the seats again. Because of this movie, Hollywood will try to make movies again. Hollywood is saved! He who was outside of Hollywood's current inner circle (Tom Cruise) saved Hollywood. He who was at the end of his career became young again, to give Hollywood a new spring!
(4) not funny. deleted.
(5) Can a human still outthink the algorithm? Remember how a human used to play a computer in chess and the human would always win because the human could sacrifice one thing for another and the computer could not learn to do that. Anyway, that was 400 years ago. The computer always wins now. Can artificial intelligence and the Netflix algorithm be thwarted by a very short man with a very large personality? Answer: yes.
By the way, I have read a lot of articles about artificial intelligence. The important question, first raised in the Terminator movies was when a computer would become sentient. Many great minds have put attention on this question. As for me, I will not believe a computer to be fully sentient until it has experienced violent diarrhea. Seriously, that fear when you are in public and you first feel your stomach gurgling and your body wavering, and you wonder -- can I make it to a toilet before I crap myself? How can a computer be sentient without this experience?
(6) Question: what does Rooster do to deserve being on the final mission? We are told that Maverick delayed Rooster's training because he thought Rooster was too risk-averse, that Rooster thought too much and acted too little. We see during the training missions that this is true. Rooster is super slow and like 90 seconds behind everyone else. Rooster somehow gets lapped twice during the training mission. He's like me dancing. He has no natural ability -- just recorded steps. Everyone else does well in the training, including Hangman, who appears to be among the best 2 or 3 pilots. Maverick needs the best people from training on the final mission. All of the sudden he puts Rooster on the team? There is no basis for this. Miles Teller is a marginal actor and like seeing Glen in MadMen (a bad actor forced upon us for reasons we cannot understand) we are forced to watch the loserly and cowardly Rooster fly on the final team.
(7) Watch closely the scene of the pilots playing football on the beach. There's a scene when one of the actors throws a pass. It looks like a pass launched by a baby -- the launch angle shows the ball being blasted from about hip height. Seriously, didn't they have an actor who could throw it? The last time I saw such a horrible sports moment was on House of Cards when Kevin Spacey couldn't throw a baseball to save his life. Query: would it actually be fun to play a game of football in which both teams are playing offense and defense at the same time? I think maybe that game is called soccer perhaps. That would have been super funny, tan beach bodies playing soccer. Everyone in the audience would have gone bananas and walked out. Not soccer!!!!!!! There are like three things Americans believe in: (1) everyone should have a giant gun; (2) Jesus loves guns; (3) Jesus hates soccer.
Here are the worst moments in acting in a sports movie ever: (1) Any movie in which Jimmy Fallon has appeared and played or expressed interest in sports. (2) Any movie in which Kevin Costner portrayed a baseball player but the movie was not named Bull Durham or Field of Dreams. (3) Gordon Hayward in a Jazz uniform pretending to dunk the ball but instead using a feather duster to tickle the rim. (4) Al Pacino's hair dye in Any Given Sunday.
(8) I'm not the first to make this point, but how much does it cost Maverick to buy 12 drinks for everyone at the bar? In MiamiVice, police officers made enough money to drive a Ferrari and own designer suits. Apparently the navy pays well enough for Maverick to pick up a $10,000 bar tab.
Which genre of TV shows are the least realistic, shows about doctors like ER and St. Elsewhere; shows about cops like Miami Vice and CSI; shows about lawyers like the Good Wife? I don't think there is an answer to this question.
(9) Why couldn't Kenny Loggins not be put in the movie more directly? Couldn't they have had a live performance at the bar? One of those joys of watching this film is that my daughter was forced to ask questions about who performed The Danger Zone. She had to ask questions about the 80s. Why not just put him in the film and maybe some other 80s stars too like Dennis Quaid to interest our children more in the 80s. I don't actually like Kenny Loggins or his music. The quality of his music is similar to the quality of John Tesh's music. However, I do like a big movie that the kids watch that makes them ask questions about the 80s. I don't want to hear Kenny Loggins' music, but I would love to hear my daughter sing along, if that makes sense. We all know the 80s was the greatest decade ever. You know it. I know it. She knows it. We all know it.
(10) Nice try to have a broader variety of characters with more diversity. However, after the first ten minutes or so, only Hangman and Rooster are given actual personalities. The other personalities essentially become interchangeable. I assume this is Tom Cruise's fault. Seriously, what would it be like to have lunch with Tom Cruise:
ME: How's your salad?
TOM: These beets are super intense.
ME: The yellow beets or the purple ones?
TOM: Yes, how's that for an answer!
ME: What are you doing after this?
TOM: I don't know.
ME: What is your favorite movie you've ever done.
TOM: The next one.
ME: What's your favorite book?
TOM: The Book of Life.
ME: Is there anything you can't do.
TOM: Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right.
ME: Who should pick up the check?
TOM: Who do you think?
ME: Are you playing mind games with me?
TOM: I don't know, am I?
ME: Let me pick it up.
TOM: Much obliged.
(11) What happened to Viper? Possible dialogue for Viper that was cut from the movie at the last moment:
MAVERICK (playing with a sword while teaching naval academy): Hey Viper.
VIPER: Maverick, I see you are once again flaunting a violation of orders.
MAVERICK: If I don't play with the sword, the students won't be sharp enough.
VIPER: Damn it Maverick, enough is enough!
MAVERICK: It will never be enough unless we explode the uranium.
VIPER: You have to follow the chain of command!
MAVERICK: This sword is my chain of command.
VIPER (exploding): Stand down, Maverick.
MAVERICK: Never in a billion thousand years so long as I wield this sword will I stand down.
VIPER: Stand down, I said. Now.
MAVERICK: Never!
VIPER: I command you, in the name of the law.
MAVERICK: Ok, fine. (Puts the sword down.)
VIPER: You're fired.
MAVERICK: You can't fire me, we are at war with the Russians and only I can blow them to smithereens.
VIPER: Fine, but after that you're fired.
What about Jester? Here's some dialogue I found that was cut from the film.
JESTER (in cafeteria line): Hey there, I'll have the chips and the fish.
ROOSTER: Hey Jester, I like your order.
JESTER: It's not healthy but you only live once.
ROOSTER: My dad only lived once until Maverick killed him.
JESTER: I knew your dad, we called him Goose.
ROOSTER: I know, my mom told me they called him Goose.
JESTER: What happened to your mom?
ROOSTER: She died of cancer. Stage six. Like two stages past stage four. Her arms and legs fell off before she died. The doctor said it was because of what Maverick did to our family that she got cancer and suffered so bad.
JESTER: Did she do chemo?
ROOSTER: Is the sky blue?
(The two men stumble upon a piano. Rooster plays Great Balls of Fire).
JESTER: That's the same song your dad played.
ROOSTER: I know, my mom told me that.
JESTER: I knew you knew, I was just remembering your dad.
ROOSTER: What do you remember about my dad?
JESTER: I remember that Maverick killed him.
ROOSTER: Son of a bitch.
JESTER: No you're not. Your mom and dad were married.
ROOSTER: I meant Maverick.
(12) What are the chances that the music from this film will feature prominently at the next Republican National Convention? 200%? 300%? How about 311%? There's one thing I do know. If Tom Cruise ran for President, I would vote for him three or four times.
(13) How many more Top Gun movies will star Tom Cruise? I will set over-under at 3.5. In the next one, Maverick will work with Ukrainian pilots to help them defend Ukraine against the Russians. His wife the bartender will of course need to die early in the film so that Maverick can find a tall girlfriend in Kiev. I further predict that Tom Cruise will speak at least three lines of dialogue in Russian. I further predict that Matt Damon will be in this movie as a superior US military officer and will ask Maverick to stand down, which Maverick will refuse to do, for reasons. In the following film (Top Gun IV), the enemy country will be China. Somehow this engagement with China will involve a naval war near the Sydney Opera House. Maverick will fly, literally, into the Sydney Opera House, bring his airplane to a halt, and hide there while Chinese fighter pilots fly on by! In Top Gun V, released in 2032, Tom Cruise the actor will be seventy in real life. He will still be able to do the flight scenes but it will grow increasingly preposterous like Clint Eastwood being in anything at this point. Top Gun V will show Maverick team up with the Air Force of India to fly a mission to Mars in order to retrieve certain materials.
In Top Gun VI, to be released in the year 2033, Maverick will finally meet his match, a Canadian pilot named Slicer. In this film, Slicer will fly his plane at Mach 19 from Halifax to Miami to profit from a sale on candles at the Kohl's of Florida (also named Kohl's). Slicer is a real showboat, which really bothers Maverick, who has become a pilot for a monastery and practices a sort of aviation humility not seen since the benevolent barnstormer in Illusions (see above). Maverick and Slicer decide to play a deadly game of "air tag" where they fly around at Mach 20 and try to touch each other's planes with their bare hands. Slicer wins 9 out of 10 contests because his arms are longer. Maverick invents a new cushioned seat for his plane that allows him to increase his reach by 2 inches. Unfortunately for Maverick, this is still 6 inches shorter than Slicer's reach and Slicer wins 8 of the next 10 matches. Maverick instead proposes a new game called Follow the Leader in which Maverick flies his plane at Mach 25 through downtown New York City. Slicer follows him easily enough but after a big cornbeef deli lunch in the city Slicer falls asleep and his plane crashes into a hot dog kiosk. Thus concludes the Top Gun series!
